Balancing on one wounded wing

Surprise

2009-11-13T16:50:11Z

I had a friend over to my place last night, one I've known a couple of years now, but never had anything but a platonic friendship with. Though I've been completely smitten since we met. But he showed up last night and there was something slightly different when he kissed me hello.

We laid on my bed and talked, all very innocent. Then I cuddled into him and he went with it. Then I had my hand under his shirt, stroking his belly and his chest. All the while talking like we always do. His nipples kept getting hard as I touched them. I kissed him a couple of times, chaste and closed mouthed, which isn't unusual for us.

And then, as he was getting ready to head out, he slipped his tongue into my mouth for the first time.

Threshold of revelation.

He's a fantastic kisser.

No idea what, if anything, it means. There are some things that count against us, but they might matter, they might not.

And, honestly, I'm fine either way. If we're friends, friends who make out, or some kind of dating-y thing, I would not object to any of those options. The first time we met, we talked for five hours and I knew that he was going to be a part of my life on some level.

So, providing he doesn't wig about us making out, all is good. And if he does, I think I can talk him down and wait out the angst.

I feel this warm, buzzy feeling. I really need to kiss like that more often. Whether with him or with someone else.

Aural Fixation: What Would Happen If We Kissed by Meredith Brooks

2009-11-13T15:08:11Z

This came into my mind today. Last night, I got very thoroughly kissed by someone I never expected to be kissed by.

Tripped myself up again

2009-11-09T20:12:12Z

Why is it that I'm still bothered by finding out that someone I had no chance with is dating someone else?? I should know better

Why have I not learned this lesson??

H E Double Hockey Sticks

2009-11-06T17:09:54Z

This week has been a nightmare. What was supposed to be a "replace the tiles in the bathroom and kitchen and replace the vanity" has turned into a week long, home reno catastrophe.

First the floorboards of the bathroom were rotting due to leaks no one fixed before. Then there were structural problems (original renovators sawing through floor joists to install toilet) and then everything had to be re-plumbed. My poor friend, Mason, who is doing the work has been there until midnight or later trying to get things done. I haven't had a proper shower in three days, having only been able to sponge bath in the pile of debris that is my kitchen right now.

I was supposed to have a playdate tonight with a super cuddly fella I know, but I had to cancel because of the mess and my uncleansed state.

And I haven't been sleeping properly and waking too early. And there have been work pressures. Phooey.

It will be great when it's done, but the process is so difficult to go through.

On the upside, I have found torrents for the original Bionic Woman from the seventies. Have the first season downloaded and the other two should be done in about a week or so ;) But will be worth the wait, since the PTB won't release them in North America due to "rights issues"

And I started watching Burn Notice last night, which is freakin' great!

Have to figure out how to do laundry this weekend. Or whether I have enough to get me through until Satan's Reno is over.

Aural Fixation: Little Green Bag by George Baker Selection

2009-11-05T18:10:44Z

Groovy track from the late sixties

And you thought YOU were having a bad work day??

2009-11-03T20:10:30Z

Aural Fixation: Adore Adore by Yoav

2009-11-02T18:21:55Z

Bought this after reading about him online. I was in a "I need more male singers in my library" mode.

Wicked Cool and Smart Too!

2009-10-30T20:46:57Z

Via morwen_peredhil

Beware!!

2009-10-30T18:21:39Z

From LOGO's Big Gay Sketch Show:

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Under Pressure (dun dun dun dun da dun dun)

2009-10-28T15:45:51Z

Splitting barometric pressure/tension headache today. Combination of the rain and humidity change, and the ongoing work stupidity. I was sitting on the couch last night, feeling crappy, hoping I wasn't getting sick and then I felt that quivery lip, gonna start crying, feeling and knew there was definitely a stress component.

Checked my temp and no fever.

Then, this morning, saw the rain and knew that was part of it too.

I have always been a bottler. I store my stress and anxiety and just keep on going and then one day, I feel physically ill for about 24 hours and then feel better. It's like my body does this big Google Translate thing on the stress and turns it into sickness, making me stop and take it easy.

Even with two Tylenol Sinus in me, I still have this stupid pressure on one side of my head. Which migrated over from being on the other side of my head this morning.

I'm having pillow issues too. Can't seem to find the right type and combination of pillows. My neck just cracked in three places when I stretched.

Stoopid body.

In good news, my work building management is offering a discount on tickets for Rent when it comes back to the Canon Theatre in January. Snappin' those puppies up, lemme tell ya. Already planning on seeing it with kaleekolai and torontomame

Konichiwa, bitches.

Aural Fixation: I Believe in Love by Paula Cole

2009-10-27T17:44:43Z

I love the 70's disco feel of this song. I thought it was so odd for Miss Emo Hippie Singer Songwriter. But she knocked my socks off with this track

I believe in love to be the centre of all things

2009-10-26T19:50:10Z

After hearing a couple of people bitching about some recent romantic disaster, I posed the question "Do any of my single friends believe in love?"

The answers were disheartening, no pun intended.

Of the few who didn't outright say no, the others added these strange qualifiers like "I believe in love but not (fill in the blank) kind of love." or "(fill in the blank) aspect of love.

O_o

It's love. Whether it's friendly love or romantic love or monogamous love or polyamorous love. It's love. It's believing in someone. Wanting them there and wanting their support and their caring. It's wanting them to be happy and feeling their pain go through you like a blade and wishing more than anything that you could end it. It's feeling like that person has been there your whole life and that your life would be emptier if they weren't there any more.

And if you don't believe that it's even possible, how can it find you? How can you see it if the possibility falls into your path, like an autumn leaf blown on the wind?

Everyone's in a rush to blame love. I've seen people get themselves hung up on someone married or taken, or some analogous situation where there is odds are against them, who then blame or curse love when the outcome isn't what they want. I've seen people who are so down on themselves that they talk potential partners out of being interested in them, and then bewail that they can't find anyone. If you don't believe you are worthy of love, how can anyone else?

We all have our baggage. We all make bad decisions sometimes. But, those things are ours and we have to acknowledge them and work through them and walk alongside them.

But love is still there. Sometimes it's sweet and fleeting, like a bite of chocolate on the tongue. Sometimes it's there as strong as ever after gaps and separations as if no time has passed. But the fact that it might end doesn't mean it doesn't exist or that it has failed in some way.

You have to take it and relish it while you have it. This moment is all you have. No day but today.

But ya gotta believe that, in some way, in some form, that it can and does exist. Because if you don't, the game is already lost before the opening pitch.

"Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass."
-Max Ehrmann - Desiderata

Aural Fixation: Love's in Need of Love Today by Joan Osborne

2009-10-26T16:26:35Z

Live on Conan.

I am saddened by how so many people I know don't believe in love any more. Made me think of this.

And I'm percolating an actual entry. Will come soon

Ignored

2009-10-18T04:46:31Z

I didn't add her. I don't give a hooping funt if she knows what's going on with me through mutual friends, but I don't really care what goes on with her, which pretty much seals the deal.

And Marriedman messaged me today. I've ignored the two, infrequent messages since he cancelled on me. He asked if there was going to be no contact at all. And I told him I couldn't have him in my life any more.

I think I need to stop trying so hard with some people. It seems like the friendships depend solely on me saying hello first, initiating contact. Maybe it's time to let those people go.

Okay...

2009-10-17T00:22:34Z

...so the semi-psycho ex-boss that fired me from Indigo wants to friend me on Facebook.

Is it odd that I'm not sure whether to add or not?

I'm already friends with a bunch of other Indigo people.

Thankful...

2009-10-11T18:20:47Z

... for my life. For my health.

Thankful for my friends, who are so gifted and loving and brave.

Thankful for my family, who are my bedrock.

Thankful for the ability to squeeze paint from a tube and move it until it becomes something beautiful.

Thankful for the words, for the way they come together in my brain and allow me to coax meaning and story out of them.

Thankful for every breath and every second, whatever it brings.

Thankful for every new chance that comes, every opportunity to make it a bit better.

Thankful for all of you.

Delayed Date Update

2009-10-11T14:09:15Z

We had a lovely dinner and a good talk. He came back to my place and we talked some more. It was odd, because we ended up talking about the kinds of guys he finds attractive and I don't fit any of the criteria. But then we laid down to just snuggle, like we had discussed doing before. He felt really good in my arms.

My hand went under his shirt to stroke his back and chest and when I kissed him, his lips opened against mine and we kissed quite a while. He even drifted off to sleep for a few minutes while I was spooning him, which was actually quite sweet. He said how comfortable he felt.

And that was it. So, more ambiguity, really. And you know what?

I'm okay with that. The door didn't close. And, really, that's a good thing.

He is swamped with training and exams for a promotion at work, and then off out of town, so it could be a while until I see him again. But, that's fine too. It will be what it will be. And in the meantime, there will be other dates and maybe even other possibilities, Who knows? It's a mystery that will only unfold in time and that's just fine.

Friday Baldwin

2009-10-09T18:34:23Z

Hey, everybody. It's raining and dreary here in Toronto. Been a long week of being at the mercy of higher ups making mind bogglingly bad decisions and then leaving it for the grunts to clean up. Whoopie.

I've been wearing my four new sweaters in turn, which makes everything okay, because I look fabulous.

And I'm having dinner with a guy I really like tonight. We had dinner once, had a great time, then he dropped the "Let's be friends" bomb. Which I was fine with. But then we kept on talking online and there was a really great feeling there between us. When I was going through that week when I was so down, I swallowed my pride (which is very hard for me) and asked him if he'd mind cuddling some time (clothes on and no monkey business). He said yes and that he'd enjoy it too. We haven't had the chance, but we are finally having dinner. And there have been lots of ambiguous (unintentionally so, I think) signals regarding the friends/nookie dichotomy. So, it will be interesting to see what, if anything happens tonight.

I'm a little bit twitterpated, because he's someone I'd like to go further with, into non platonic territory. But I'm good with whatever happens. I just like spending time with him.

And it's Thanksgiving here in Canada. Going to be a quiet one. Roomie is still away, so the quiet is super nice. As well as the freedom to wander around the house nekkid :)

Oh, and still no word from the agent, unless you count the two separate dreams I had about him the other night.

Aural Fixation Bonus 80's Edition: Self Control by Laura Branigan

2009-10-09T15:29:40Z

One of my all time favourite 80's songs. I remember how scandalous the video was back then. It's so tame now.

Aural Fixation: Leviticus: Faggot by Me'Shell NdegeOcello

2009-10-09T15:28:43Z

I love her voice and the groove of her music.

New Doctor Who logo: Meh

2009-10-06T17:30:05Z

Doesn't do anything for me:

I'm pretty underwhelmed by all of the design stuff I've seen so far: the plasticy looking TARDIS exterior, Matt Smith's costume, the redesigned sonic screwdriver, Karen Gillan's "I'm a serious police officer" miniskirt. I shudder to think what the new TARDIS console is going to look like.

I'm hoping that Steven Moffatt will pull it all together in some way with some good stories like he's done so far, and I saw Matt Smith in something else and thought he was pretty charismatic to watch.

But my hopes are dwindling.

Late Night Aural: Love Generation by Bob Sinclar

2009-10-03T04:29:13Z

I heard this in a Lotto Max commercial and did some Google Fu to find out what it was. I love the song and the video. So simple and sweet and full of joy. This kind of song gets right at my soul

Aural Fixation Bonus: Got To Be Real by Dr. Kmer ft. Jimmy Roland

2009-09-30T19:22:17Z

Happened on this on AfterElton.com and really like it. I dig the freaky body shifty things in the video

Aural Fixation: Digging Your Scene by the Blow Monkeys

2009-09-30T17:10:39Z

Little bit of eighties hipster going on today

Il fait six ans

2009-09-30T15:58:19Z

It's been six years since they cut my back open and removed the lower lobe of my left lung, taking with it the last of the sarcoma I'd been fighting for four years. Six years free.

It's funny. I haven't written much here, and last night I wrote an email to one of my oldest friends, trying to get us back into the habit we used to have of writing to each other all the time. As I wrote, I realized it's like I've finally given myself permission to just be ordinary again. I go to work, I watch TV, I hang out with the guys, I play Mah Jong. I date sometimes. The only extraordinary thing I've done is write the novel, which, in its way is a very normal thing for me to do. It's what I spent a lot of my time doing before the move and before I got sick. It just happened much faster, and my writing has matured and hit its stride, becoming much stronger than it ever was.

And I like ordinary. I like simple days with no terror or needles or waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I almost forgot actually that the anniversary was coming up. Though it might have contributed to the minor tailspin I went into last week. I hit a wall, sort of. Not literally, though it's always a possibility, as I don't steer all that well any more. It's just tiring dealing with pain every day, as well as struggling to deal with a disability that is gradually getting worse. I get tired of not being able to do the things others can. And sometimes, that overwhelms the gratitude at surviving.

I was watching How To Look Good Naked last night. Gok Wan is one of my heroes for what he does for those women on his show. Last night it was a woman who lost a breast to cancer and had postponed her wedding because she felt so ruined. But he had her naked in a shop window, getting hoots and howls of admiration and encouragement, as well as looking smashing in a gorgeous wedding dress. It reminded me that, whatever issues I have about my body, it served me well. Despite being soft and cushy, it's strong underneath.

The good thing that came from my little meltdown is that I swallowed a bit of that "I have to get by without asking for help" pride of mine and talked to this guy I went out with a couple of months ago and have been talking to online a lot. I asked him if he'd be able to just cuddle with me. No sexual intentions (well, maybe a few) and clothes on. I just needed comfort and he has this really comforting presence that I really appreciate. After a couple of days, he answered that he would like to, and that he'd enjoy it as much as me. So we're going for dinner on Friday night and will have a snuggle or two after. Which should be just what the doctor ordered.

Still waiting on the agent, which is fine. I'd rather he give it all the consideration possible. And I read on another agent blog that some agents will actually work with potential clients on rewrites before offering representation in order to determine how well they work together. Which would be just fine by me. All a bit nerve wracking though.

And had a cold, but it's on its way out. Sounded a little Barry White this morning, but it's fading. All I have now is that wracking cough where you finally get rid of the lung butter.

Peace, my darlings