And a lot of the emotions aren't even mine.

After the emotions of the rejection/feedback from the agent, I spent a good portion of Saturday and Sunday in high dudgeon with a friend of mine over something, only to discover that his LTR is ending. And since I know them both, there was some intense emotion from both. It will be interesting to see how it plays out.
People comment on my strength. They envy it. Think they could never attain it. I posted this to FB and Twitter last night:

"One thing I've learned. You think the world will end, and it doesn't. The sun comes up the next morning. And you go on. You think your heart will shatter, but it keeps on beating. And you go on. One breath at a time. One moment at a time"

In the moment, we forget that things pass. That it's just a question of holding on, enduring until things ease and change. And they always do.

You think you can't bear the weight and then, you do. And then things get better. With a little help from the ones you love.

You just have to keep on going.

Last night, I emailed the editor who bought the short story that the novel is based on, asking him if he'd consider having a look at it for feedback/submission. He agreed. He's super busy, but he has a couple of readers who can look at it first. So that's a good next step.

I'm pretty confident that someone reading cold will want to keep reading. For whatever flaws my writing has, keeping reader interest and moving a story along isn't one of them.

It's a good next step, I think. As my friend, Suzanne said: If different editors/readers reject for different reasons, you know you have something because they're acting according to taste. If they reject for the same reason, then you have a flaw in the book you need to address.

That's the trick with submitting. You just have to keep doing it. Thicken your skin and put yourself out there. Take the feedback and really consider it, and find ways to improve. And just keep on writing.

...hadn't contacted me because his mom was in the hospital. Got a text this morning. She's recovering, he got an extension on his paper and I'm really glad to have been wrong about my silly paranoia

...I have collected my thoughts on the agent's feedback.

One:
He says I've created a credible world and he liked the verisimilitude. That's pretty major. Creating a believable world, one that makes sense and feels like the characters actually inhabit it, is a huge achievement. And if you'll forgive the horn tooting, something I've always had something of a strength for. This piece is more of an achievement for me in that way, in that I feel it's more fully realized than others I've done.
End result: positive feedback.

Two:
He said the pace is slow. Which is kind of what I was aiming for. A future where things are not just popping around at warp or dropping through wormholes. But, that being said, ms is at 110,000 wds, which is about 10K longer than it should be. Equivalent of about two chapters that can and probably should be cut. Need to start thinking about trimming and tightening to move things along a bit faster.
End result: negative feedback that could lead to positive change.

Three:
He found the characters were believable but ordinary. None captured him. Believable: GOOD! Ordinary: not good, but could be a personal taste response and not a comment on the characters themselves. Was aiming for a regular folks thing, but may have gone too far. Or it could be that it's just not his thing.
End Result: negative feedback, that could be just a matter of taste and not a flaw in the ms. Food for thought.

Beyond the fact that I didn't get picked up by said agent, not too bad a result, I guess

Rejection

• Credible future
• Nice verisimilitude

But:

• Pace too slow
• Characters ordinary and didn't grab him.

Time for a think

Nothing from the boy since the weekend. C'est la vie. Could mean something or nothing. Feeling just a tad wistful.

That kind of moment, of soft lips on mine and skin under my fingertips, only comes into my life in these discrete, sporadic bursts. And it always leaves me wanting more.

I saw another guy on Saturday night, one I've seen a few times. We have these great online exchanges of thoughts and words and ideas, and then when we're in bed, silence. And I'm realizing that, when it comes to sex, I'm aural. I need sound and conversation and laughter. My need for words goes beyond my writing and my love of conversation. To be really fired up, I need to hear, to listen. To be listened to. And while everything reached the inevitable climax, I was and am, left unsatisfied.

There have been more online flirtations. Strictly in the type, type, type sort of way. Sort of pre-flirting. And there may be some possibilities there, but who knows.

I want that ineffable feeling I had with the boy. The words. The invisible knot between us where what I am connects with what he is.

It's hard for me to take connections and friendships and relationships on faith. I come from a fairly solitary, undemonstrative childhood. With some early, imprinted lessons in "If you transgress in some way you weren't warned existed, I will unilaterally terminate the connection we had"

I need reassurance. I cope without it and am able to stand on my own feet. It's just a nice layer of icing on top of the cake.

On a completely unrelated note, I struggled with the first chapter of the book I'm working on, the follow up to the one I just finished (writing in third person) As soon as I switched to first person in the voice of the lead character of the previous book, it flowed like water. Hmmm

"Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true." - Robert Brault

mark_monroe and I seem to feeding off each other today.

Wishing I inspired passion in others. Not just passionate desire, but passionate feeling of any kind

Who knew anyone could live up to Shirley Bassey??

Blame nebulocity1976 for making me think of it

Leaping into action on another Wednesday. Well, stumbling, maybe.

Watched Rachel Getting Married last night. Really good film. Anne Hathaway, who I've had a wee girl crush on since Princess Diaries, does a fantastic job in the role of a messed up, recently rehabbed addict home for her sister's wedding. I had forgotten that it's a Jonathan Demme film, and it's not like any of his big budget, Hollywood films. Apparently it was shot in a very relaxed, two cameras wandering around and shooting everyone kind of way and it works wonderfully for this type of story. Rides a very sweet line between years of family anger and grief and the love that exists between the characters, as they all struggle to deal with the fallout from a horrible accident many years before. Highly recommended film

Also watched Waters of Mars, the new Doctor Who special, last night with the roommate and with torontomame . The first half was a bit generic, but the second half packed quite a punch, setting up the storyline of Ten's death and regeneration. RTD finally took a thread present in his relaunch and pushed into a very dark place, and it was fascinating to see. Can't wait for The End of Time on Christmas Day.

The boy and I texted a bit over the weekend. Well, I texted and he answered. Sometimes it took a while to get responses and I got slightly twitchy, but he responded. Last text hasn't been answered, which either means he's swamped with school work or he's feeling pressured or something else entirely. And that's okay. I'll just let him be for a while and see. Like everyone else in my life, it seems like I'm the one making the first moves and getting responses. ("In every relationship, there is one who kisses and one who is kissed" I am usually the metaphorical kisser) So, I'll just give him some space and savour some lovely sense memories.

Progress is being made on the apartment. New shelves going up in the pantry, new knobs for the kitchen cupboards. Dryer is properly vented out the kitchen window and the portable washer will be plumbed directly into the kitchen. Getting there.

Also been watching Burn Notice from zip.ca and loving it. Fun little ex-spy turned "problem solver" show. Nice balance of individual stories and arc elements, with some really charming performances by Jeffrey Donovan, Gabrielle Anwar, Bruce Campbell and Sharon Gless.

Didn't bother with the new version of The Prisoner. Heard it kinda sucked.

Do I watch too much TV??

Oh, and my copy of Star Trek is on the way, looking forward to seeing it again. And I broke down and ordered the complete Farscape set.

I'm weeeeeeeak.

One of my favourite songs of all time, and one of my favourite Shirley Bassey performances ever:

I had a friend over to my place last night, one I've known a couple of years now, but never had anything but a platonic friendship with. Though I've been completely smitten since we met. But he showed up last night and there was something slightly different when he kissed me hello.

We laid on my bed and talked, all very innocent. Then I cuddled into him and he went with it. Then I had my hand under his shirt, stroking his belly and his chest. All the while talking like we always do. His nipples kept getting hard as I touched them. I kissed him a couple of times, chaste and closed mouthed, which isn't unusual for us.

And then, as he was getting ready to head out, he slipped his tongue into my mouth for the first time.

Threshold of revelation.

He's a fantastic kisser.

No idea what, if anything, it means. There are some things that count against us, but they might matter, they might not.

And, honestly, I'm fine either way. If we're friends, friends who make out, or some kind of dating-y thing, I would not object to any of those options. The first time we met, we talked for five hours and I knew that he was going to be a part of my life on some level.

So, providing he doesn't wig about us making out, all is good. And if he does, I think I can talk him down and wait out the angst.

I feel this warm, buzzy feeling. I really need to kiss like that more often. Whether with him or with someone else.

This came into my mind today. Last night, I got very thoroughly kissed by someone I never expected to be kissed by.

Why is it that I'm still bothered by finding out that someone I had no chance with is dating someone else??  I should know better

Why have I not learned this lesson??

This week has been a nightmare. What was supposed to be a "replace the tiles in the bathroom and kitchen and replace the vanity" has turned into a week long, home reno catastrophe.

First the floorboards of the bathroom were rotting due to leaks no one fixed before. Then there were structural problems (original renovators sawing through floor joists to install toilet) and then everything had to be re-plumbed. My poor friend, Mason, who is doing the work has been there until midnight or later trying to get things done. I haven't had a proper shower in three days, having only been able to sponge bath in the pile of debris that is my kitchen right now. 

I was supposed to have a playdate tonight with a super cuddly fella I know, but I had to cancel because of the mess and my uncleansed state.

And I haven't been sleeping properly and waking too early. And there have been work pressures. Phooey.

It will be great when it's done, but the process is so difficult to go through.

On the upside, I have found torrents for the original Bionic Woman from the seventies. Have the first season downloaded and the other two should be done in about a week or so ;)   But will be worth the wait, since the PTB won't release them in North America due to "rights issues"

And I started watching Burn Notice last night, which is freakin' great!

Have to figure out how to do laundry this weekend. Or whether I have enough to get me through until Satan's Reno is over.

Groovy track from the late sixties

Bought this after reading about him online. I was in a "I need more male singers in my library" mode.

Via morwen_peredhil

From LOGO's Big Gay Sketch Show:

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