I heard this song on Martina McBride's disc, Emotion. It's one of the songs on that disc that helped me get through cancer.

I'm thinking of my mum. And Frank, Tom, Tom and Glen. Of the friend I now stand to lose.

Lyric by Patty Griffin

Occurred to me the other day
You've been gone now a couple years
Well I guess it takes a while
For someone to really disappear
And I remember where I was
When the word came about you
It was a day much like today
The sky was bright and wide and blue

And I wonder where you are
And if the pain ends when you die
And I wonder if there was
Some better way to say good-bye

Today my heart is big and sore
It's trying to push right through my skin
Won't see you anymore
I guess that's finally sinking in
Cause you can't make somebody see
With the simple words you say
All their beauty from within
Sometimes they just look away

And I wonder where you are
And if the pain ends when you die
And I wonder if there was
Some better way to say good-bye

 Just found out that a friend of mine had a colonoscopy that revealed a large, malignant tumour that has already metastasized to his liver. Which may not be curable

Fuck. Fuckety fuck fuck fuck. 

Fucking bastard cancer. I have no words to describe how much I hate you. 

And from a writer, that's saying something.

And I know it. My online presence is fading. Must do something about that

This book looks interesting. I have always struggled with the notion of what to hold out for, what to accept when it comes to matters of love, the heart and relationships. I wonder often how much I have been brainwashed by one too many love songs. I am mostly the guy that guys flirt with right before they fall in love with or start relationships with someone else. Even worse, I'm the guy that they confide in once the guy they chose over me turns out to be a complete dick. And lest, you wonder about the state of my ego, despite any occasional swerves into self-pity, I know I am a catch. I'm smart, handsome, loving and loyal. The kind of guy that would be great to date. I know I am flawed. I am terrible with money, but it's my own money and not anyone else's and I'm working at improving. I can be demanding of people and I am working on that too. Like they sing in Rent "Life's too short, babe. Time is flyin'. I'm lookin' for baggage that goes with mine."

I seem to be a huge hit with Latino men these days. A couple of playmates eager for return engagements have been from Cuba and Ecuador respectively. And I have guys from Brazil and Argentina quite smitten with me online. Odd, but interesting.

As always, there are handsome men that I am in spinning, flirtatious orbit with. Which may or may not lead to play or dating or something. But, all too often, those orbits are unstable and suddenly decay, sending the object of the flirtation off into the ether never to be heard from again. Or in crackly, static filled dispatches from out in the dart reiterating interest, though they are nowhere to be seen on the star charts.

I am having a movie night with M,  the guy that I met over Christmas, the one that promptly started seeing someone from the edges of my circle of friends (who is completely not good enough for M)  Should be fun to hang out again. A teeny part of my brain is wondering at the possibilities of having him in my home, but I am too realistic to really anticipate any whack bang wiggle wiggle.

Have a cold, finally, after having remained healthy through the winter so far. This seems to be the time of year that it hits me. And, like the unpleasant guest, far overstays its welcome. Ah, the aging body. I remember when colds were out of my system withing three or four days. *sigh*

Still slowly doing edits for Chasing Cold, very slowly cutting bits out and cleaning up text. And it's sheer agony most days. Started notes on another book, tentative title, Blind Luck. About a guy who can change his own luck or the luck of those around him. An initial outflow of ideas, but the mechanics of the story are still eluding me.

Last week was the fourth anniversary of my mother's death. I had a day of anxiety and grief that left me physically spent, but got distracted by the advent of the cold. I miss her. It's the most common thing in the world to lose a parent. If we haven't yet, we all soon will. And yet for every person it happens to, it's like it has never happened to anyone else ever.

Oh, and to my great relief, I have arranged with one of my best friends to be there when I eventually go in for the revision on my leg. (no set date, but the leg is getting worse and must be addressed sooner or later. See the doc next Tuesday, so may know more then) and it's a weight off my mind to know I have a plan in place for someone to sit in the waiting room and pass news to my dad and sisters when the time comes.

And that's me. On the whole, I am well and smiling and glad I'm here. I'd dance if I could.

A very cogent and interesting explanation of why more and more record labels are prohibiting embedding of Youtube videos.

Zoe Saldana as Aisha in The Losers. I knew when I saw Avatar that she was totally going to kick ass in this film. Hope they don't soften the character too much

The editor just sent me this link to a review of North Of Infinity II, and it turns out that the reviewer's favourite story was mine.

Now I'm all glowy inside and stuff. Helps me deal with the fact that there has been no more word on Chasing Cold and I have no idea where I'm going with it, or the new novel idea I have right now. *sigh*

Loved the Andy Diggle/Jock comics. Loved the cast when it was announced. Now the trailer is here and I totally can't wait to see it

In the interests of adding to positive thoughts / energy in what seems to be a rough time for a lot of folks (stolen from my darling monkeyman )

Comment here, and I'll give you one (most likely several) reasons why I like you.

Set up an account yesterday as chronicpaint. Add meeeeeeeee!!

Yesterday, I found out two things. The Boy, who has been ignoring my texts and messages is dating someone else now. The things we learn from Facebook. And when I texted another  guy I've been crushing on a bit, I discovered that he was now seeing someone I am vaguely acquainted with through other friends. Someone who is actually kind of a dick.

The Boy was easily dealt with. It was odd to actually hit the wall. To realize that there was nothing in it for me any more. Like I posted to Facebook: "You know it's time to leave when you realize the other person won't even notice you're gone"  So, I purged him and several others from my Facebook. I deleted his number from my phone, his addy from my MSN and his photos from my hard drive. And after a bit of an emotion purge, I feel better about it. Unencumbered, like a weight has been removed from my shoulders or from around my legs.

As for the other guy, well, he at least was worried about losing my friendship, was concerned about how I would react to knowing he was dating the dickhead. He seems committed to the burgeoning friendship we have. We'll see how long he can take this other guy before it all blows up.

I have realized I try too hard to win and hold the esteem of men who aren't worthy of me. And it's time to stop. This is becoming a month of housecleaning. Literal and figurative.

In the more mundane news, I bought a new netbook last weekend. A new Asus EEE pc. The Acer I had was a Linux model and was too hard to upgrade software on. The new EEE has Windows 7 on it and a super powerful battery. They claim upwards of 10 hours under perfect conditions, so should do me just fine. Sold the Acer to a buddy of mine at work, which eased the debt for this one ;)

Saw Rent on Friday night, the Broadway tour with three of the original cast members in it. My first time seeing it on stage. Have the original cast disc, the movie soundtrack, the movie on DVD and the final Broadway performance on DVD. Have I mentioned I really love the show? Went with kaleekolai and torontomame and we make a good trio for social things. I'm glad I brought them together.

I feel a shift, a change in the universe. A groundswell of something inside. I'm not sure what it means. I want to believe in unconditional love, that I can be the one that is always there for the people in my life and will stand by them. But at the same time, I don't feel I should be taken for granted, that the love I have should be valued, cherished. Returned, even if not with the intensity of emotion I offer. There must be some quid pro quo, some give and take. But is it unconditional love at that point?  I don't know. But I want to find my path through it.

I watched The Kite Runner last night. I almost didn't because I didn't think I'd like it. I was very wrong. Now I need to read the book, fill in the rest of the story. And the lead actor was absolutely beautiful. I was struck by the one line that goes to the heart of the story, which you will understand if you've seen it. 

"For you, a thousand times over."

So, he showed up this morning, after me waking too early and having a raging boner and being all nervous and excited, and we kissed right at the door.

We ended up in bed messing around. But as we talked in between, it came out that he is still with the significant other (so, I guess he's Marriedman after all) but the reason he lives in the 'hood is that he moved in with him. MM loves the SO, but apparently isn't happy and they are fighting a lot.

So, I'm still the "other woman" and there in my bed, the hope for something more than just fun and friendship died. But, he's nearby, so we can, theoretically, spend more time together on whatever level it takes. I'll make the decision on whether that involves sex or not, when and if the time comes.

Because, though we said that we would stay in touch, I'm not sure, like so many others in that situation, that we really meant it.

There were two of the most beautiful Indian men on the streetcar this morning. One was standing right over my seat and was holding the pole right by me. I resisted the temptation to lick the shiny black hairs on his wrist.

After I got home from writing group last night, I spent a couple of hours downloading Yoko Kanno's music from the rare and hard to find soundtracks for Cowboy Bebop (which I bought myself for Christmas and LOVE)  The music is one of the most amazing elements of the show and Kanno herself is a freakin' musical genius.

I feel somewhat at loose ends this January. Last year at this time, I had posed for the pics. I started the year with this huge, revelatory, brave, crazy and fulfilling act that brought so much to my life. Then followed it up by finishing a novel over the course of the year. Kinda hard to match that, ya know?

Feel drifty and aimless. Like there's something wonderful I could be doing to start the year with a bang.

Not sure how to live up to my own P.R.

To the immensely talented and all around awesome bitterlawngnome 

Thank you for letting me be a part of your art and your life.

So, Marriedman (though he isn't actually married any more) dropped back into my life on the weekend, sending me a message on BearForest from his new profile. And I was really glad to hear from him. The last time I talked with him, I had told him I couldn't be in contact. We had made a play date and on the day, he cancelled, because he was still in a relationship with someone he was struggling to continue with. He did the honourable thing and begged off. And I, at the time, couldn't deal with the yoyo.

But it turns out he works near my work and is now living only about four blocks from me. And, honestly, I've missed talking with him. Yes, I shagged him twice while he was still married. I neither defend nor condemn my actions. But there was something about him. And I don't know if it was just the mystique of the forbidden; if I was so incredibly turned on because I knew I couldn't have him, but those two times I was with him, I knew he was someone I wanted more from. That voice in my head said, "yes, I would be willing to go further with this man"

I don't know what it does or doesn't mean. What might or might not happen. But I know I want to see him and he wants to see me too. So we have a plan to get together on the weekend. Will be nice to catch up if nothing else.

And I reconnected with another guy I had drama with. Apparently my presence at the time helped him in therapy to deal with a bunch of issues and he came out a better man. I thought there was more there, but it blew up. Took us a long time to get to forgiving each other and moving on, and there's still huge sexual attraction between us. Which we seem to both want to act on, but the chance hasn't arisen.

I seem to be an either or kind of guy. The men I meet either love me as a person and aren't attracted to me. Or the other way around. I want both.

I have realized I want to fall in love again. I don't want to "have a relationship" That always sounds clinical, like I'm auditioning for a role the other person has already written in his head. Like "having lunch" or having a breakdown"   I don't want to "find an LTR", like "finding a good restaurant" or "finding the keys I had lost"  I want to fall in love.

And I want to find someone who isn't afraid to fall in love back. Who's willing to step off the edge and see where we land. Who hasn't built a wall of self protection or psychobabble to prevent himself from actually living.

Life is too short. We have to grab on and take big bites and dive in.

I don't want to wake up and realize I've missed out on something vital. Something that could have enriched my days a thousand fold

...as well as the end of the year. And what a decade it was. The decade of the cancer.

This time ten years ago, the cancer had invaded my body, but I didn't know yet. I had just met the GP that would start the chain of events that would eventually save my life.

I will spare the saga for the newcomers. I've already written it all down before, and don't really want to recount it again. And that's not what this is about. This is about now. What it feels like to be in this anniversary year, so far down the line.

I am... fraught, for want of a better word. I feel so much. So glad to still be here, to have survived it all. But tired. Shell shocked. Wanting to weep. And laugh. I want my body to be whole again. But I know it never will be.

I feel a bit like I've been carrying a fifty pound pack on my back for the last ten years. Twenty-four seven. And I know I'll be carrying it for the rest of my life. People don't understand that, though I have this second chance, that I have had this decade of adventure and misery and love and life, I have paid with so much effort. First, just to survive the disease itself. Then to relearn how to exist, how to walk. And since then, to move a body that no longer works properly, to learn how to do everything. And then to do it., every day since.

But the things that have happened in that decade. The paintings I've created and the words I've written. The people I have known and the love that has showered over me. And the losses too, beyond those brought on by the cancer. My time at Indigo. My mother.

So much.

I'm tired and I need a rest. Someone to lean on.

But, thank you. To whatever drove my fate, if anything at all.

Thank you.

As recounted by Tom Robbins in 1 Giant Leap

There was a Bodhisatva who decided he needed to see the Buddha so he set out on foot. And somewhere along his journey, he came upon a man who was seated in the lotus position, meditating, but he had made several mistakes in that he hadn't chosen a shady spot, so he was out in the sun and he was being absolutely cooked. He was all sunburned and dehydrated and he also had made the mistake of sitting on an anthill, so the ants were crawling all over him and eating his flesh and he was absolutely miserable. And as the Bodhisatva went by, he said “when you see the Buddha, ask him how long it's going to take for me to become enlightened.” The Bodhisatva promised to do that and continued on his way.

A few days later, he came across a second man who was dancing and laughing and singing. Just in a state of exhilaration, just bopping around, and as the Bodhisatva went by, this man said, “When you see the Buddha, ask him how long it'll be before I'm enlightened.”  The Bodhisatva promised, so he went on, had his audience with the Buddha, and a few weeks later came back along the way and this time he came upon the first man first and by now the ants had taken most of the flesh off of his body and he was just blistered from the sun and he was practically dead, absolutely miserable and the Bodhisatva said “The Buddha says it will take six more lifetimes for you to become enlightened.” The guy says, “Oh, no, I can't stand it.”

The Bodhisatva goes on and come upon the other man, who is still laughing, still dancing, still singing, having his sips of wine and nice food out of the food bowl from time to time. As the Bodhisatva went by, he said, “You see that bush over there? That small tree, the one with all the leaves on it? The Buddha said, 'for every leaf on that tree, that's another lifetime you're going to have to endure before you're enlightened'”  And the man said, “Is that all?” and began dancing and laughing and singing even more exuberantly.

And at that moment, he became enlightened.

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